Expectation

Woke up at three o'clock just to find out the answer to the unpleasant feeling. This has been carried around recently. That is expectation. A saying hanging around in the Internet: "Simple things become complicated when you expect too much."

I have been expecting her to
- move here and live with me as soon as possible, leave out all the rest.
- listen to me, and finish all the matters.
- ignore that dirty fucker who always makes her cry.
- depend on me more.
- not to go to the pub, or club; just stay at home, cleaning up her stuffs.
- be more patient, not yelling, nagging, more elegant.
- not to mention any "number" or "adjective" after the item: expensive, 200$ meals, luxury.
- read more books, listen to more music, study more things
- think twice or the more the better, before she speaks those childish words
- ....

And at 3 a.m, I tried to identify all of my expectations for her; thought twice to get rid of them all; left nothing behind. Felt sense of relief and anxiety. Is that good to expect nothing ? Should I give up the vision where we would start a happy family with children ? There is no goal for this relationship then.

Deep down inside, I can't bring myself to totally trust her when I spot the contradiction between her words and action. The plan remains plan if you don't do anything toward it. Her action proves the opposite. I guess she could not give up her lifestyle there. Then why speak willing to give up everything ! it makes me happy and hopeful, since I am fully prepared to leave everything behind, too.

I cannot find anything to ascertain our relationship, there is no goal to direct myself to and the only way I can do to make myself feel better is to focus on other things: study my master degree, over-time my jobs, read book and exercise.

Try to find what are in her that I love

Nobody says it was easy. No one ever say this could be this hard. I'm going back to the start.