On my way of changing

And when a considerable amount of these little change accumulates, it is call revolution. 

What is accumulated now ? My hunger... Hunger of devouring her image in my mind, hunger of squeezing her tiny body as if mine can absorb her and combine into one by not two bony arms, but two great walls gradually close, grind everything in between. Hunger is sparkling, and lit a flame. And it is burning from the inside. So hot, so painful, yet so good. 

Why ? 

Why does she not return my feeling ? 

What did I do wrong ? 

Or my mistake in the past was far unforgivable ? 

Why does she not understand how much I am suffering the pain of being apart at this moment ? 

The angle says throw everything away, bring back the water, let the ship row in your heart where she left a hole. 

The devil says why stopping yourself, just step on whatever stays on your way ! Eliminate them all !!!! Any obstacle, even herself, even myself !!!!

Now I'm yearning for the day we meet again, 

Just to look into her eyes, 

To walk under the same street, 

And breath inside the same city. 

Bending myself to be patient, 

Just to make a little change of the look she would bestow upon me. 

...

Seriousness

Is my approach or at least is reflected on me, my face, my posture, or my staring.

Knowing can't give up on her yet, but I can try to think of her less and less, gradually. Just keep myself occupied by work and novels. just the matter of time either she falls for me or I fall apart

Just realize lately I've spent too much, way too much time thinking of her. That much time gets along with so much beer. That much beer drags along with too little sleep.  Exhausted !!!

Two "small" regional projects that save the boss's ass were a little less than limit I can handle.

The engine is too old. No matter how I lubricate the lever, brush the rusty surface, fill the gas tank. It is too old to operate. No matter how I desire to save that machine, there's no response at all. It was me who left it alone for too long, now it left me. The engine that this mechanical heart left me in pieces.

That is what people say : You'll deserve what you planted.

Last thing, the very last to-do thing:
  - Make sure that she knows how I feel
  - Make sure that I know how she feel
  - Make the decision that leave no regret for both.
That's the plan ! Too serious !

...

Miss neko-chan >"<
...

Busy lives

Darling,
Are you too busy to listen my song to the end ?
Are you too busy to enjoy the painting on the road ?
Are you too busy to look up to the starry night and dream a wish ?
Or just to say "I love you" ?

Would hold your hands,
Would hold you tight,
Treasure your smile,
Deep into my eyes.

Just tell me, darling
.
.
.
How to win back your love again ?
Time,
I need time,
You need time.
Love, only love can break down the wall someday.
I would try to change things that killed our love.
.....
Would you give me a chance
To start once again,
As I'm still loving you.

Is there really no chance ?
To start once again ?

...........................

Did I push you too much ?
Did I let myself too far ?
Can I not imagine the future without you in my life,
So painful that I have to close my eyes.

Dear grandma

My grandson, look at the wall,
Plenty of written things,
Circles and arrows,
Formulas and unknown characters,
Have you ever lied to me ?
Was one of them yours ?
No said I firmly,
And it rained so heavily,
We were in our old house,
Which made mostly of woods,
Bows and cups everywhere,
On the floor where it catches falling drops,
Emotionally angry was I,
"I will be doing fine",
Said her last words,
Then she flied,
Unavoidable moment of human being,
The god of time with clocks on his hand,
Stop the hands, gently smile,
And said "let us go"....




Thought there's no need for me to rush, doubtlessly we will meet each other by the string of fate. 

Chasing dreams,

Under the cat's eyes,
Sparkling stars in the skies,
Dance away like a child.

They were chasing,
We were chased.
The future was seconds ahead foreseen.
Like a thrilling game, we rode.
Suddenly they stopped,
Said there'd be big news waiting,
What would it be ?
Why should I stop ?
Big news, no surprise,
They knew what it was,
I guess what it might be,
One player about to leave the room,
Left behind a jar of honey,
Shared around to ants, bees and flies.
Ants smiled and flies cried.
Bees silently back to their work,
as if nothing happened.
It can save the crying for later.

Honey owner flied,
Like a sparkling star in the sky,
So bright,
And danced away like a child.

It is raining and it is cool.
 I have been found warmth in the hot tub,
 Have been lonely for too long,
 Throw my sight to far harbor,
 Where orange light reside.
 Drinking some cold alcohol would be nice.

One thing I made up my very mind, giving up on her. There are just so many things out there I wanna try, one option is having fun, counting them for the rest of my life, haha. Or one by one, do it. So, I'm on my way writing my bucket list[just stuffs I have to do before kicking the bucket]. Thing came so sudden and out of any prediction, I made one, bungee jumping. Yeah, you're not believing, haha. It's bungee jumping XDDDDD. The interesting point is that, I would like to try that thrilling game, grasp the feeling of falling, and ... maybe find out some thing, anything I should have done !!! [that reminds me of the dying will from katekyo hitman reborn, XDDDD] Turned out ... she is not the one that I thought of at all. But then, I found out something else. I have a great job [the company does not mind giving me a couple of machines to my disposal, I can experiment any crazy idea on the Functional Testing System. The one is made by me, yeah ! From scratch XDDD. Not so bad right XDDD]. And I have damn good friends, Daniel and Kate. A little bit weird, they are couple, but they don't want to get marriage XDDDD. They're fine with dragging me around, having extreme fun. They are so considerate that ... put their effort finding one girl accompanying me travelling, hahahaha. Damn, I love them. They're great, they're awesome XDDDDDD We took a great journey to the Phuket few weeks ago, and plan out the next to New Zealand in April. Daniel tried his best to got his driving license so that we could hire one car and drifting around XDDDDD. For myself, I've searching for something else I can help, since a bit late for me to register driving course. Maaaaaan, I can't waaiiittttt ! Just to let you know I decide to make a breakthrough, living my own live. Love you guys, XDDDDD

Disappeared world.

It's a pool of pain, yet he just can't stop it.
The feeling keeps growing like wild weed, struggling to grip the poor soil with fragile hands.
Why not she a bad girl ? Then I have a reason to get dumped, to be sad and forget.
Why not she accept me ? Then I have a reason to move on, to be motivated by a bright future of two, and die happily with it.
Why ... she has to disappear ?
When his hands seeking in void air for a thing, a thing to harbor.
How is he supposed to live on ? How is he supposed to think ... when he faces the inevitable future ? Did she think of that ahead ?

As if the whole world were sucked into a giant hole and no one knows where it leads to.
He's all alone, again.

Nuits de Princes - Joseph Kessel

...and he is unable to know to love. He is too keen on a fanciful world to understand a living man well. In his, they are nothing but necessary material for kneading.
... He sufficiently well-behaves to everyone. That kindness carries scent of nature, poet, humanity and honesty... As if people could easily understand his whole character, his world within, his truly is so extra-ordinary that he can share it with nobody...
His hidden nature advises himself off all the women who tried to sneak into the sacred garden of loneliness, where the wandering inspiration and unimportant worry reside...They are invaders, and they are alarmed...

---------------------------------------------
Time, an invisibly mighty influence, a destructive breeze of calmness, ... it scrubs leaking pipe of wound with eagerly dull and rough surface, and the container would feel nothing as Time goes by. At a moment, it is disgustingly unbearable, and that moment passed, and nothing matters. Later means Never.

Until then ...

I love working doesn't mean I love the job, dude !
But I didn't say I don't love the job, either XDDDD

Just the feeling of ... squeezing yourself for the very last drop of effort before end of the day.... Don't wanna waste any second at all.

How long can I last ?
Very simple, until I could find someone or something who can hold me back till 8 in the morning, and bring me out of the office at 6... Just have a little patience, telling myself XDDD
Though hardly do I usually spend any(patience) for others =.=

Just one of preparation steps before establishment of my company, yeah man ! Let's rock !!!!
[Hope not falling for any cutie for the next ... 5 years, man XDDDDDD]

Old old friend

I should go home early,
why don't I find something I like to do,
something that I could do when I am still young ...

All are non-sense to me though, the thing I love most right now is working.
And what's wrong with working 16hrs/day, and even weekend ?
This is what I can only do when I'm young.

---------------------
No matter what happens, I know that I live out of that world. Or I should say they are not in my definition.

---------------------
Was really happy, to the extreme, hahaha ... getting in touch with an old friend[in its all meaning]. That reminds me a lot of things, the time when we drank beer together, yeah, budweizer, his favorite... Sleeping with some ... tiny mice ... watching "the abyss" ... complaining about Liz and her laziness ...
Oh man, wonder how long have it been since I last brought myself to the kitchen...

Damn, I didn't have the chance hiking with you, man. I really love to ...

I remember my last day staying up there, all night long, talking about nothing, as if nothing matters, nothing can bothers these three guys...

You really rock, you know that !

Don't really want to but ... why can't people here be frank like those friends of mine ? Just stop bitching ! I'm sick of it !

That also reminds me I have a very big dream, and need to overcome any obstacle, any ...

Dream

That is something just too strong, too persistent...
A piece, a fragment of memory...
I just don't want to let go.
I've be gripping that broken glass with all the might of ten fingers,
They're bleeding, I know ...
But ...

Just a moment, only last for seconds,
It's so beautiful ! And God blesses the pretty things.
The most beautiful creature in that world,
...

Yes, I know them all.

Back to reality,
Does she tell me what she wants ?
Can I give her what she needs ?
...
It doesn't matter,
doesn't matter at all,
I have already made the decision long time ago,
Remain in this world ...
The world that is only for us.

.
.
.

Damn ! I'm totally serious ! Just how can I show her ...
Don't have the courage to take a leap of faith,
And now live like an old man full of regret

Alone again, naturally

A little bit off,
No book to read,
No song to hear,
No man to see,
No word to speak.

Am I gonna be alone again ?
How am I supposed to do ?
The loss of feeling,
Or the feeling of being lost.

Wanna save my dear friends from all stubborn troubles,
Grant them a peaceful life if I could.
Wanna act good, a gentle boy that I used to be.
They keep me good, a gentle boy that I used to be.
Where should the next step wisely land ?
which bring more sorrow laugh,
Or cause less pleasant tears ?

We said good-bye so naturally,
As if we would see each other tomorrow.
We talked about nothing that mattered.
We rode around nowhere that mattered.
As if the silent road runs, and excited bike stands.

Well, segmented memories, and streams of current thought,
are all connected by mysterious void, messily !
The urgent flu came in time,
Shortened the Gravity string,
Tied my sleepy head to the shaky ground,
Closely and naturally.

And whisper and whisper all day
Truly am indeed alone again, naturally.

invisible enemies

Not sure yet if that is my fear or something else
When walking among them,
Bodies not made from flesh and bone,
Or be driven by logic or rationality,
But by hatred and envy.

And the effort to be untouchable,
The unnecessary concealment of "care-for-nothing" attitude.
Nothing can be done,
Nothing can be affected,
Or poluted, or purified.
As "Socrates in Love", almost everything is there,
She's not there,
Nothing is there.

That reminds me,
Birds of light flying from the underground, converge toward one point,
There are all kinds of turning point,
Or breakthrough,
Or emotion that one has been feeling,
Periodically or cyclically

As if it were the end of the world,
When one lost her precious item,
Or one had to count days waiting for a sound,
... I just don't understand,
Don't understand why that is an "as-if" there,
An honored oath is spitted out on hot street suface,
With much careless intention,
Observe hopelessly moribund entities,
Dissolve into thin air without any trace.

Like human build their own cage,
Create things supposed to support their life, but turn out heavily dependent on them.
Keep thinking any other road of others to be much easier to breath, than theirs.
As one said, no matter how wisely you choose your path, Life finds its way to throw Obstacle into it.
And ... fed on and by each other.

First time trying ads

Past oh past

On the road back to the grave-yard,
They filled up those ponds, flattened rice fields ...
Along with all my childhood memories.
Memories of light yellow noon, and pinkish naiveness.
Memories of lies and punishment.
Memories rolling together with wheel of the bicycle my mom was riding, and I was sitting on the carton box on the seat behind.
Memories of  tears and sorrow.

Like it has just occurred yesterday.
I saw them broken, and myself crumbled.
The mirror has been already shattered into pieces,
Pieces sharpened themselves, ambushed a careless wanderer.
The fluid keeps flowing, and its container runs dry.

When forced to open,
When the pupil is lighted,
When it stands still, and turn into stone...
A hand floating through the air, cross the face,
Leave a piece of white rag intensionally,
The rain start falling,
The rain dyes blue on their look,
And red to their eyes,
The rain taste bitter salty on their tongue,
Eager loneliness keeps its reign.

Turned right to the indifferent path,
Slowed the bike down,
Riding straight to the certain address,
As if an invisible force bends his head with all his might,
Or is it that he tries his best to fight over that mighty force to keep his own position ?
Turn the bike around skillfully,
A little satisfaction mixed by tiny nervousness,
He tapped his helmet and rode home yesterday,
As if this were the last goodbye,
And he knows for sure he'll be back tomorrow.
Just to say, "good night, my friend"

idea note

Basic idea :
- barriers that help directioning traffic flow and prevent undesired movement of vehicles.
- help solving traffic puzzle, reducing frequency of jams as well as accident.

How does it work?
- when red light, turn on the magnetic barrier at traffic junctions, that deactivating all vehicle passing the line, record and report cases.
- when green light, turn off the barrrier of one side, and turn on in the other.

Requirement :
- the magnetic barrier has to be strong enough to hold various kinds of vehicle, yet not cause any harm to human's health or any activities.
- system handling parallelism works seamingly without any deadlock, or livelock, with weak fairness base.
- exceptions will be handled for some specific cases of emergency. Those transportation will be equipped with a microchip located at the front of that vehicle, help it prevent from being deactivated.