After all things have been done, I decide to go back to my own country for a year. Among other reasons, I would love to spend some time with "mama's mafia boss". I'm not a mafia boss, and my mom is not that scary (She is, but not that much).
Besides, there are so many things I set out to achieve in that year:
- Resume my Japanese study, and get at least N4.
- Build up confidence of driving car
- Get a diving certificate
- Get a boat license
- Practice Kendo
- Get lots of certificates closely related to my field of working
Surprisingly, people are way too eager to jump into conclusion in so many ways, without any contemplation of other's actions or facts. They are too fascinated by tips of icebergs. Life is not that simple, or I am thinking too much.
Indeed, there are two types of simplicity: one is naively, blindly, clueless strait who have ultimately take everything as it is; and another makes simplicity by choice. The latter is fully aware of the complication of matter, and decide to iron out the mess. Both types may lead happy lives unless no crisis come into picture.
At least until now, I strongly believe the second will stay strong and firm in any circumstances and have led my life toward this direction. And keep on failing ...
I have so many variables in my equation. Therefore there are multiple solutions.
I fail to find the simple way out and lost in the maze of anger, frustration and irritation.
The questions:
Should I kill this relationship and turn back to my single life ?
Should I stay here or move back or travel to another country ?
Should I cling on this "relaxing" job or switch to different intersting and busy one ?
Should I keep on worrying about how I could save $5, what I will eat for lunch/dinner, how I could make my boss richer ... or start to make a world better place ?
Human are way too selfish. I am sick of them.
I am human, I am sick of myself.
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Monday, November 2, 2015
Grow up and be an adult, idiot !
As an adult, I can/must:
- Work at home
- Be responsible for ... job, house rental, bill payment,
- Drink favorite beer and wine
- Cook meals
- Keep everything in order
- Travel around the globe
- Stay as late as I want (But rarely do I)
As a kid, I love to:
- Listen to Studio Ghibli soundtracks and whistling along,
- Talk to the birds, and snails, and plants
- Jump around hyper-actively when alone
- Watch the star at night
- Listen to the cricket
- Love reading graphical novels
- Enjoy watching cartoons and anime
- Be curious about ... everything, stars, spiders, computers, psychology, ...
- Ask way too many questions
- dream of things, real vs unreal, past vs present vs future
- collect bottle caps, and sea shells
- Stay naked and run around the house
The point is the second list is more lenthy compared to the first one.
Sometimes it pains me noticing I have, no I must grow up and take care of so many things. Responsibility chains me down like the kid must obey to his parent, unwillingly. It is just different that they are chemical substances inside my brain are the ones in charge now, forbid me doing mischievious stuffs.
Free soul is what I am after,
Steel cold chains is what I am offered.
While swimming in the sea of faces,
Against the tide of human race,
An answer now is what I need
See it in the new sun rise and
See it break on your horizon
Oh come on love, stay with me
- Work at home
- Be responsible for ... job, house rental, bill payment,
- Drink favorite beer and wine
- Cook meals
- Keep everything in order
- Travel around the globe
- Stay as late as I want (But rarely do I)
As a kid, I love to:
- Listen to Studio Ghibli soundtracks and whistling along,
- Talk to the birds, and snails, and plants
- Jump around hyper-actively when alone
- Watch the star at night
- Listen to the cricket
- Love reading graphical novels
- Enjoy watching cartoons and anime
- Be curious about ... everything, stars, spiders, computers, psychology, ...
- Ask way too many questions
- dream of things, real vs unreal, past vs present vs future
- collect bottle caps, and sea shells
- Stay naked and run around the house
The point is the second list is more lenthy compared to the first one.
Sometimes it pains me noticing I have, no I must grow up and take care of so many things. Responsibility chains me down like the kid must obey to his parent, unwillingly. It is just different that they are chemical substances inside my brain are the ones in charge now, forbid me doing mischievious stuffs.
Free soul is what I am after,
Steel cold chains is what I am offered.
While swimming in the sea of faces,
Against the tide of human race,
An answer now is what I need
See it in the new sun rise and
See it break on your horizon
Oh come on love, stay with me
Relationship: demanding for the best ?
I wonder whether two persons could get to marriage (or simple be together) without being soul mate of one another.
There are questions and doubts on why I have never shared my past. Not true, I did share. Just that if you hear but not listen, you would not be aware of it. I have rather high expectation after making up my mind to speak: silence and empathy. It is not a shadow of a doubt that one can never reach 100 percent understand each other, so I demand silence, not judgement. And if it is not given once, the trial would fail and cease to continue.
The pain is there, buried underneath. When we talk, jokes and laughter cover it up. For a minute, it is forgotten. As an aftermath, it becomes worse as it confirms how strong the root of doubt grip and how far it spreads.
Is this so call crisis ? No satisfaction, no expectation.
A person who read, we share our books and thought, and ideas.
A person who speak after carefully studying, not being naively and blindly led by public media.
A person who follow rational course of action consistently.
A person who respect the difference that dwells within others, not enforce any subjective ideas.
A person who understand the meaning of Privacy.
A person who see and appreciate the effort in the process, not the final result.
A person who enjoy the nature and play sport.
Am I serving an example of "People asking for too much are not happy". Or is the other person ?
Personally, I consider myself very cautious of the matter of taking and giving. I count when I say "I want ..." :)
At the moment I am afraid of visualizing the scene in which I intend to end this relationship and the other person talk about marriage and children. I can't find a way out.
There are questions and doubts on why I have never shared my past. Not true, I did share. Just that if you hear but not listen, you would not be aware of it. I have rather high expectation after making up my mind to speak: silence and empathy. It is not a shadow of a doubt that one can never reach 100 percent understand each other, so I demand silence, not judgement. And if it is not given once, the trial would fail and cease to continue.
The pain is there, buried underneath. When we talk, jokes and laughter cover it up. For a minute, it is forgotten. As an aftermath, it becomes worse as it confirms how strong the root of doubt grip and how far it spreads.
Is this so call crisis ? No satisfaction, no expectation.
A person who read, we share our books and thought, and ideas.
A person who speak after carefully studying, not being naively and blindly led by public media.
A person who follow rational course of action consistently.
A person who respect the difference that dwells within others, not enforce any subjective ideas.
A person who understand the meaning of Privacy.
A person who see and appreciate the effort in the process, not the final result.
A person who enjoy the nature and play sport.
Am I serving an example of "People asking for too much are not happy". Or is the other person ?
Personally, I consider myself very cautious of the matter of taking and giving. I count when I say "I want ..." :)
At the moment I am afraid of visualizing the scene in which I intend to end this relationship and the other person talk about marriage and children. I can't find a way out.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Watering the garden
At home, I am challenged why I keep on watering the plant in the morning (around 10am) and am told it is too warm for the plant (as the plant will die drinking warm water)
In my mind I challenge back the idea if that is really true :
- When saying it will heat up the plant at noon, what temperature is bad for the plant ?
- Does it depends on the weather and climate of the day
- Does it depends on sunrise and sunset time ?
I believe the answer is much more complicated than "The best time to water your plant is early morning, around 8am-9pm". But why people keep telling each other so ? The only reason I can find is because it is easy tip to remember, without thinking too much.
9GAGgers are very fond of the saying "Apologizing does not mean you are wrong and the other person is correct. It means you value the relationship more than your ego". Now, what if so many people are following this, are they responsible for spreading bull-shit ?
As for those believing that watering at noon would burn the plants:
Optics of sunlit water drops on leaves: conditions under which sunburn is possible
In my mind I challenge back the idea if that is really true :
- When saying it will heat up the plant at noon, what temperature is bad for the plant ?
- Does it depends on the weather and climate of the day
- Does it depends on sunrise and sunset time ?
I believe the answer is much more complicated than "The best time to water your plant is early morning, around 8am-9pm". But why people keep telling each other so ? The only reason I can find is because it is easy tip to remember, without thinking too much.
9GAGgers are very fond of the saying "Apologizing does not mean you are wrong and the other person is correct. It means you value the relationship more than your ego". Now, what if so many people are following this, are they responsible for spreading bull-shit ?
As for those believing that watering at noon would burn the plants:
Optics of sunlit water drops on leaves: conditions under which sunburn is possible
Monday, May 26, 2014
Lesson of the day
Don't waste your time on waiting for the talk. Thought it would make her feel better, but zero fuck is given.
Though you may be distracted by the lullaby of love, the only who you can rely on is yourself. The investment for your body and mind never betrays you.
Though you may be distracted by the lullaby of love, the only who you can rely on is yourself. The investment for your body and mind never betrays you.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Expectation
Woke up at three o'clock just to find out the answer to the unpleasant feeling. This has been carried around recently. That is expectation. A saying hanging around in the Internet: "Simple things become complicated when you expect too much."
I have been expecting her to
- move here and live with me as soon as possible, leave out all the rest.
- listen to me, and finish all the matters.
- ignore that dirty fucker who always makes her cry.
- depend on me more.
- not to go to the pub, or club; just stay at home, cleaning up her stuffs.
- be more patient, not yelling, nagging, more elegant.
- not to mention any "number" or "adjective" after the item: expensive, 200$ meals, luxury.
- read more books, listen to more music, study more things
- think twice or the more the better, before she speaks those childish words
- ....
And at 3 a.m, I tried to identify all of my expectations for her; thought twice to get rid of them all; left nothing behind. Felt sense of relief and anxiety. Is that good to expect nothing ? Should I give up the vision where we would start a happy family with children ? There is no goal for this relationship then.
Deep down inside, I can't bring myself to totally trust her when I spot the contradiction between her words and action. The plan remains plan if you don't do anything toward it. Her action proves the opposite. I guess she could not give up her lifestyle there. Then why speak willing to give up everything ! it makes me happy and hopeful, since I am fully prepared to leave everything behind, too.
I cannot find anything to ascertain our relationship, there is no goal to direct myself to and the only way I can do to make myself feel better is to focus on other things: study my master degree, over-time my jobs, read book and exercise.
Try to find what are in her that I love
Nobody says it was easy. No one ever say this could be this hard. I'm going back to the start.
I have been expecting her to
- move here and live with me as soon as possible, leave out all the rest.
- listen to me, and finish all the matters.
- ignore that dirty fucker who always makes her cry.
- depend on me more.
- not to go to the pub, or club; just stay at home, cleaning up her stuffs.
- be more patient, not yelling, nagging, more elegant.
- not to mention any "number" or "adjective" after the item: expensive, 200$ meals, luxury.
- read more books, listen to more music, study more things
- think twice or the more the better, before she speaks those childish words
- ....
And at 3 a.m, I tried to identify all of my expectations for her; thought twice to get rid of them all; left nothing behind. Felt sense of relief and anxiety. Is that good to expect nothing ? Should I give up the vision where we would start a happy family with children ? There is no goal for this relationship then.
Deep down inside, I can't bring myself to totally trust her when I spot the contradiction between her words and action. The plan remains plan if you don't do anything toward it. Her action proves the opposite. I guess she could not give up her lifestyle there. Then why speak willing to give up everything ! it makes me happy and hopeful, since I am fully prepared to leave everything behind, too.
I cannot find anything to ascertain our relationship, there is no goal to direct myself to and the only way I can do to make myself feel better is to focus on other things: study my master degree, over-time my jobs, read book and exercise.
Try to find what are in her that I love
Nobody says it was easy. No one ever say this could be this hard. I'm going back to the start.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Go the fuck to sleep by Adam Mansbach
The cats nestle close to their kittens,
The lambs have lain down with the sheep.
You're cosy and warm in your bed, my dear.
Please go the fuck to sleep.
The windows are dark in the town, child.
The whales huddle down in the deep.
I'll read you one very last book if you swear
You'll go the fuck to sleep.
The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest
And the creatures who crawl, run, and creep.
I know you're not thirsty. That's bullshit. Stop lying.
Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep.
The wind whispers soft through the grass, hon.
The field mice, they make not a peep.
It's been thirty eight minutes already.
Jesus Christ, what the fuck? Go to sleep.
All the kids from day care are in dreamland.
The froggie has made his last leap.
Hell no, you can't go to the bathroom.
You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep.
The owls fly forth from the treetops.
Through the air, they soar and they sweep.
A hot crimson rage fills my heart, love.
For real, shut the fuck up and sleep.
The cubs and the lions are snoring,
Wrapped in a big snuggly heap.
How come you can do all this other great shit
But you can't lie the fuck down and sleep?
The seed slumber beneath the earth now
And the crops that the farmers will reap.
No more questions. This interview's over,
I've got two words for you, kid: fucking sleep.
The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle.
The sparrow has silenced her cheep.
Fuck your stuffed bear, I'm not getting you shit.
Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep.
The flowers doze low in the meadows
And high on the moutains so steep.
My life is a failure, I'm a shitty-ass parent.
Stop fucking with me, please, and sleep.
The giant pangolins of Madagascar are snoozing
As I lie here and openly weep.
Sure, fine, whatever, I'll bring you some milk.
Who the fuck cares? You're not gonna sleep.
The room is all I can remember,
The furniture crappy and cheap.
You win. You escape. You run down the hall.
As I nod the fuck off, and sleep.
Bleary and dazed I awaken
To find your eyes shut, so I keep
My fingers crossed tight as I tiptoe away
And pray that you're fucking asleep.
We're finally watching our movie.
Popcorn's in the microwave. Beep.
Oh shit. Goddamn it. You've got to be kidding.
Come on, go the fuck back to sleep.
The lambs have lain down with the sheep.
You're cosy and warm in your bed, my dear.
Please go the fuck to sleep.
The windows are dark in the town, child.
The whales huddle down in the deep.
I'll read you one very last book if you swear
You'll go the fuck to sleep.
The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest
And the creatures who crawl, run, and creep.
I know you're not thirsty. That's bullshit. Stop lying.
Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep.
The wind whispers soft through the grass, hon.
The field mice, they make not a peep.
It's been thirty eight minutes already.
Jesus Christ, what the fuck? Go to sleep.
All the kids from day care are in dreamland.
The froggie has made his last leap.
Hell no, you can't go to the bathroom.
You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep.
The owls fly forth from the treetops.
Through the air, they soar and they sweep.
A hot crimson rage fills my heart, love.
For real, shut the fuck up and sleep.
The cubs and the lions are snoring,
Wrapped in a big snuggly heap.
How come you can do all this other great shit
But you can't lie the fuck down and sleep?
The seed slumber beneath the earth now
And the crops that the farmers will reap.
No more questions. This interview's over,
I've got two words for you, kid: fucking sleep.
The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle.
The sparrow has silenced her cheep.
Fuck your stuffed bear, I'm not getting you shit.
Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep.
The flowers doze low in the meadows
And high on the moutains so steep.
My life is a failure, I'm a shitty-ass parent.
Stop fucking with me, please, and sleep.
The giant pangolins of Madagascar are snoozing
As I lie here and openly weep.
Sure, fine, whatever, I'll bring you some milk.
Who the fuck cares? You're not gonna sleep.
The room is all I can remember,
The furniture crappy and cheap.
You win. You escape. You run down the hall.
As I nod the fuck off, and sleep.
Bleary and dazed I awaken
To find your eyes shut, so I keep
My fingers crossed tight as I tiptoe away
And pray that you're fucking asleep.
We're finally watching our movie.
Popcorn's in the microwave. Beep.
Oh shit. Goddamn it. You've got to be kidding.
Come on, go the fuck back to sleep.
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